Jump.

If you can think of a crappy situation, I can promise you I've been through it or at least watched one of my friends go through it. And here I am, at almost 21 years old learning once again that life goes on. It took me a while to realize that and to fully comprehend it. The past year has been a roller coaster for me. I've had a lot of ups and a whole lot of downs. I've felt inadequacy, self doubt, security within my friends and family, love and a lot of heart break. But you know what else I learned? Sometimes it's the hard things that make for beautiful things. It's the roughness and the unpredictable patches in life that make for skilled sailors. We usually don't want the bad parts that we have to face and we certainly don't ask for them, but on the other side, looking back I can confidently say that I would not trade what I've learned. That's a wise quote that my mom instilled in me. "I wouldn't ask for it, but I wouldn't trade what I learned from it." And now it's my turn to share and hopefully enlighten some of the people who actually read this and let you know that in the end, it's going to be okay. And life does go on.

I recently thought that my life was over. I went through a series of months and months of long nights and unbearable days trying to get through what I thought was the worst pain I would ever experience. I lost sight of myself. I let people's thoughts and opinions of me weigh heavily on my self esteem without real reason. I broke my own rules. And consequently I found myself using parts of me to try to build others up, only for them to inevitably tear it right back down. It was truly, in every sense, a roller coaster and a nightmare come true. As it turns out, the longer you use a person, or a place or anything in your life that is perishable as a crutch, it only hurts you in the end. When the crutch is ripped out from underneath you (or just leaves), then you're left with pieces of yourself that you have to pick up alone. But if you're lucky like I was, you get amazing friends and family to help pick you back up.  I say all of this to say that if you're walking through that place of uncertainty and turmoil in your life, I promise you that this is not the end. 
I had to make some hard choices. I had to, in a sense, rip bandaids off of me and out of my life that were excruciating. But my dad and his years of wisdom told me this, "You can get this over with and hurt for a little while now, or you can hurt for the rest of your life." Basically, let go or be dragged. After holding on for so long I was almost dragged to death, I decided to let go. I don't know what it is that's holding you back or hurting you in your life. Maybe it's a friendship that you know isn't good for you but you feel a sense of obligation to stay. Maybe it's a toxic relationship that love blinds you enough to stay in. Maybe it's the unfortunate case of being a familiy member, and you feel like since they're blood, you have to stay. Maybe it's just a place in your life that you feel comfortable. That you find security in but not true security, just complacency, and you stay. Don't stay.

It's going to hurt. At times you're going to feel like no one hears you or understands or that there will never be another job or friend or boyfriend that feels this normal and comfortable. There will be, and it will be better. The only twist in this story is that it's not yours to write. I'm the world's worst at trying to write my own story. At kicking and screaming and stomping my foot and telling everyone what I am and am not going to do. So far, I've been wrong every single time. But there is this one man. He's actually the greatest thing to ever walk the face of the Earth and His love for you is unfathomable. You can't buy his love or earn it. You just accept it and you love Him right back. Who doesn't want that kind of love? I pushed Him away. I told Him,  "I've got this, back off." Plot twist: I most certainly do not have it. I screw up every single day and I always will.  But lucky for me and you, this is not a conditional love. It's not a list of do's and don't's that I actually grew up thinking that it was. It's love and it's grace. And an abundance of it.

I started having uncontrollable feelings of anxiety throughout the past few months. In the midst of it, He got my attention and pointed me toward a group of family and friends that would walk me through this part of my life every step of the way and point me to Him. Literally said, "Okay Katie I can't physically be here for you while you deal with this, but here are some people who can. You're welcome." And I can't actually say thank you enough. But I didn't ask for that. I was actually wanting to handle this all by myself which is typical for me. He knows me though. He knew I would try to do it by myself and that I wouldn't actually ask for help, so he just gave it to me.
My point here is that He actually showed me that if there's one person that I can trust, it's Him. And whatever your situation is, He's bigger and He's better and He's more powerful. There's nothing you'll do that will make Him not love you or love you any less.  There is no pit that God's love is not deeper still. He can and will pull you out of anything and everything no matter how much you swear you don't need any help.

If you feel like you can't get out, you can. If you feel like you'll be alone,  you won't. And if you want to be pulled out, then let Him help you. His plan for us is so much bigger than any plan we have for ourselves. I don't sit here and tell you all of this as a perfect Christian who never messes up and I think you desperately need Jesus. I'm sitting here telling you this as a messed up and broken sinner. I'm telling you that I've had people stop caring about me after I messed up, and He never has. I've had people tell others I was fake and two faced because I write these blogs and pretend to be perfect. So here's me making it abundantly clear that I am not, in any sense perfect nor will I ever claim to be. But I have the priviledge of serving a God that is. And I won't stop telling people what He's done for me. Do yourself a favor, let Him do the same for you. If you're scared to jump into something great or out of something terrible for a loss of security, just jump. It will be worth it.

An open letter: To the guy who called me "The world's biggest hog."

I’ve always seen posts on Facebook called open letters. “An open letter to the guy who broke my heart” or “An open letter to the girl that my boyfriend cheated on me with.” I've always liked the idea of this. Instead of taking words that people said to you, or actions that people did to harm you and burying them deep inside of you, share them. So here it is. An open letter to the guy who screenshotted my picture, and said "A new record: world's biggest hog caught in Mississippi." This one's for you. 

I’ve always found it inspiring when women are comfortable in their own skin. I love when girls are able to feel good about themselves despite what society or magazines say they should look like. I remember one time I opened the Cosmopolitan magazine via snapchat and the title was “Best Bikini Bodies.” I’ve probably never loved my boyfriend more than when he said, “Katie stop looking at that crap. All it’s going to tell you is that you’re not good enough.” It took something  as simple as that from a man’s perspective for my eyes to truly be opened. I don’t think I’ve ever read a magazine that says “You have to be a size 2 and weigh 100 pounds to be beautiful.” But they don’t have to say it. It’s articles like “Find out how to get the best bikini body here!” or “Find out how Kloe Kardashian lost 40 pounds with this diet!” It terrifies me to have a daughter and one day have to convince her that she’s beautiful when I can’t even convince myself of it. I love the women that are comfortable in their own skin because I’ve never been one of them. I was never obese. I’ve never been to the point of over weight that people stop and stare at me, or to the point my family has told me that I really needed to lose weight. But no one had to stare at me or tell me I needed to be smaller, it’s been in my subconscious since I was able to form an opinion about myself. 

I found an old notebook not long ago that I had when I was 11 years old. I had written out a diet for myself and an exercise program when I was 90 pounds and my goal weight was 70. My 11 year old self was thoroughly convinced that I needed to be smaller even at that age. Why? Because I didn’t look like Britney Spears did when she was my age or Lizzie McQuire or Mary Kate and Ashley. I didn’t look like the girls in the media, so I wasn’t pretty enough and I wasn’t skinny enough. I’ve struggled with it my whole life, and I think there are very few girls that are lucky enough to not feel insecure. Kudos to you. 

As of right now it’s late April. I’ve been eating clean and working my butt off since January. All for what? 8 pounds. And is it enough that I’m healthy and I’m taking care of my body? Of course not. Because I still don’t look the way Britney Spears looked at my age and I’m not as small as some girls in my sorority. I’m still not up to society’s standards. 

I’m trying. I get up almost every morning and run a mile. I’ve cut my portions in half and have slowly seen progress and inches off of me. It's frustrating (especially as a female) to get stuck in a rut in weight loss and regardless of how hard we work, sometimes it isn't enough. Instead of striving for a healthy life style and taking care of our bodies, it's much more about what's on the outside that we care about. So I can personally say to this boy: I do not need you to tell me that I am not good enough.  

I had msyelf convinved that I wasn't good enough when I was 11 years old. I would go as far as to say that every single woman in America has something that she would change about herself, if not multiple things. First of all, let me enlighten you, as to what my process looks like when I go running. I have $100 running shoes because I have very high arches in my feet and shin splints are a huge problem for me. I also have bursitis in both of my shoulders. I also have extremely tight hamstrings which make for unGodly calf cramps in the middle of the night and when I run. Thank God I don't have more health problems than I do and that I am physically able to run. However, these things slow me down. Before I run, I have to take Ibuprofen for inflimation in both my shins and shoulders, I have to ice both my shins and shoulders, I take Potassium suppliments so that my muscles don't cramp up, and I have to put anti-inflamitory cream on both my shins and shoulders so that they don't hurt when I run. But guess what, I do it.  But the difference between now and 3 months ago, is that I'm not doing it for anyone besides myself. 

So this is the part where I address you. I won't tell the entire internet your name because that would make me almost as big of a low life as you are. Instead, I'll keep going. I'll keep running and I'll run farther. I'll keep eating healthy. I'll keep doing everything that I do with what you said running through the back of my mind to motivate me to go even farther.  I'm sorry that I don't meet your standards or expectations. I'm sorry that I have naturally large hips and a big butt. I'm sorry that I eat food and I don't have the metabolism that lives up to your standards. I'm sorry that the majority of the female population doesn't live up to your standards either. And God bless your girlfriend and if she one day has a child, and you have to face the gruesome reality that women's bodies change when they have children and they will not forever be 100 pounds and a size 2. (Also, when your metabolism starts to slow down at age 30, I suggest you throw out your mirrors.)  I won't starve myself because of what you said, but there are girls that would. When  I heard that you said this about me, I cried. I cried and I looked in the mirror and wondered why you would say something so cruel to someone who has never spoken an ill word of you. I sat there and looked at myself wondering, yet again why I wasn't good enough. But that's okay. There are some people who have nothing better to do than to talk down to people in order to make themselves feel better. But everyone struggles with something. And there are girls who develop serious eating disorders because of people like you and cruel words said about them. Suicide also happens because of words said that can't be taken back. I've had my boyfriend and family tell me time and time again that I'm beautiful. But none of their words will ever stick so predominantly in the back of my mind as yours calling me a hog. You're cruel. You're a narcissitc, bigoted jerk. I hope this reaches you. And I hope you see that words cut deep. I hope you see the damage it can cause and that making fun of a person's physical appearance is not an appropriate comic relief to use. 

And here's to the women that have been told that they aren't good enough and have had something equally as awful to you: Strive for healthy. Take care of your body because we only get one. Tell your daughters that they are beautiful. Tell yourself that you are beautiful. Society may not think that you're good enough, but I do. I may still be trying to convince myself that I'm enough, and maybe I'll spend my whole life trying. But as I've written before, our identity is not found in society or what others think of us. Thankfully we have a Savior that thinks we are fearfully and wonderfully made. He thinks there is no flaw in us. It's important that we cling to that and that we believe it. This is a cold, hard, mean, and antagonizing world and it's up to us to choose what we hold to be true. The creater of this world, the one who made the skies and the stars and everything under it, thinks you're wonderful and beautiful.

 So I choose to believe that guy. Instead of some boy who thinks he's is supremely superior to everyone else because he goes to Ole Miss and weighs 90 pounds soaking wet. Maybe one day you'll see in people what Jesus sees in us. Maybe you'll find him and learn to love the way that he does. Maybe one day you'll realize that there is truly more than meets the eye. And maybe, just maybe, you'll realize that everyone has something that they struggle with, and they do not need one more thing to weigh them down. A negative word from you could be the straw that breaks their back. Think before you speak. Regardless of whether or not you're "just kidding" or you're "just saying," there is a still a human being on the other end of those words. They still have feelings, and they still get hurt. But the man who is much bigger and much more powerful than you, thinks I am to die for. So I'm going to hold onto his words instead. 

What I got, was so much more.

C.S. Lewis once said, "There are far, far better things ahead, than any we leave behind." But I'm not so sure. I guess this is becoming an annual thing. A once a year blog where I get on here to cry and complain about the imminent change in my life. This time last year, I thought my life was over and in a sense, that it was also just beginning. I was preparing for my first college experience. I had so many ideas of what it would be like. I had everything planned out as to what I was going to do, my major, and my career. It's funny how life has a way of changing things and putting people in our path that change what we thought we knew. I thought I knew what I wanted and what I would get. And I thought I knew exactly what college was like. I envisioned late nights with girls that would one day be my bridesmaids, lots of tears shed both of sadness and happiness and making memories that I would never forget. What I got, was so much more. 

I got showers that give you hypothermia and third degree burns within seconds.

I got 80+ new sisters that I'd never thought would mean this much to me. 

I got friends that I could come to with anything you can imagine and they would take me in, with no judgement. 

I got friends that would watch me make the same mistakes and not say, "I told you so," when it turned out badly... again. 

I got long car rides and partners in crime. 

I got friends that made me eat go eat Mexican food no matter how profusely I claimed to be on a diet. I got friends who cared so deeply about me, that I could never return that favor.

I got friends who held my hand, let me cry in their laps and played with my hair when I just needed to cry about my boyfriend being across the country. 

I got friends who gave me sympathy when I didn't deserve any. 

I got the most ratchet internet in the history of man (aka Okranet.)

I got friends who would sit in the same room with me and listen to me be angry and sad all at once when things were going wrong. (And who would also yell and make death threats to the people that upset me.) 

I got friends who would distract me from the bad when I needed it, and from homework when I just really wasn't feeling it.

I got friends that would do anything in the world for me simply because I asked for it.

I got friends who loved me, when I was unlovable. 

When I left Brandon, I was a mess. I assumed that things would never be the same. They aren't, but I wouldn't change one thing. I sit here now and tell you that I'm feeling the same thing. I'm leaving.... again. I've never been the kind of person to want to settle down in one place for long and to stay in one place for the rest of my life. This isn't exactly how I pictured my college career going (leaving when I just got comfortable,) but I am getting the whole moving thing down pat. As I start to take things down in my room and prepare for the last three weeks of school, I realize that maybe C.S. Lewis was wrong about that. I know that my new life and my new school will be good because that's where God has told me to go. And it may not be better, but it will be different. It will be very different in every aspect, and it will be new. As much as I wish I could say that I'm not nervous because this is essentially the third college I'll attend, I'm just as terrified as I was when I packed up my car to head to Cleveland. But I'm having to trust, yet again, that what God has in store for me is so much better than anything I could have planned for myself. Even though I don't understand what's happening and why it has to, I have to trust and let Him take control. Again. So this is something to say thank you, to everyone that's been a part of my life this year. After all, what's 4 hours apart after a year like that together? I love you all so much. Thank you for all of the memories. 

"But sudenly you catch yourself being surrounded by brand new people and it's different, of course it's different, but you have to remember that if the past was meant to be the present, then nothing would have changed."

When we are slandered; we answer kindly

Sometimes I question whether or not God has a sense of humor. But after some of the stupid things I've done in my life, I know he's got to. I'm fairly certain my lack of common sense is often times his comic relief of the day. I just know he's got to be sitting up there going, "Wow Katie you really didn't see that coming?" Or, "Hey Katie you should probably keep your mouth shut before you get into trouble." And he's probably been laughing and shaking his head since that time I was 3 years old and I told my grandmother she wasn't the boss of me. (And yes that really did happen.) Since that young age I've been telling my mom and most anyone who tried to help me, "I can do it by myself." And before those words ever exited my mouth, the good Lord knew exactly what He was dealing with. I wish I could say that I eventually got better at allowing people to help me and I became a total door mat and got really good at letting people walk all over me. Unfortunately that is not what happened.  I promise this whole thing isn't about how stubborn I am or how flustered I get when someone tries to "be the boss of me." This is about how I've had to learn that sometimes, I have to sit down and shut up.

I keep thinking that maybe one day I'll write an installment of this that won't be a lesson that God has taught me. Maybe I'll be able to write something about politics or things I want to tell my kids or maybe something I learned on my own. And this is another one of those times that He's up there laughing at me and saying, "Seriously Katie? Nothing you learn in this life that's not from me will really matter in the eternal perspective." So here I am with yet another lesson learned. Some I learned through my own actions, and some I learned through others. So here it goes.

I had to learn humility. Don't think for a second that I took it easily. I went down kicking and screaming and to be completely honest, I'm still not quite there yet. But I'm learning. About two weeks ago I was sitting at my house (with my mom. Go figure.) Sobbing and telling her "I can't do this, I can't do this." That's something that doesn't typically come out of my mouth. In fact, normally when people tell me I can't do something, that just pushes me even more to prove to myself that I can. (Ex. Going to a university a year early and getting all scholarships when people said I couldn't. Can I get an amen?) Also referring to the first blog I posted, my mom is still right. So she looked at me and said, "You're right. You can't. And you  know whose help you need."
I've always heard people say "God won't give you more than you can handle." I'm here to tell you that that saying is 100% not true. He will absolutely give you more than you can handle. I just got way more than I can handle, and I'd go as far as to say I'm a pretty tough person. He allowed it... (Notice I said allow. He doesn't MAKE bad things happen to you. He just allows it.) He didn't allow it because He hates me or because he enjoys watching me squirm. But sometimes it takes a lot more than we can handle before we look up and say, "Hey I can't do this and I need your help." Often times, it's a mess that we've gotten into ourselves. But one of the things about having a gracious, loving savior, is that he still wants to help, even when we screw up. We have a thing above our sink in the kitchen that says, "God doesn't give you what you can handle. He helps you handle what you are given."
  There will always be SOMEONE in your life that makes it difficult. A boss, an employee, a professor, a family member and sometimes even a friend. I've had my share of being talked down to, and it's one of those things that I don't take very well. Unfortunately that's one thing He's taught me.  The human in me wants to stomp my foot and stand up for myself. But what He says in 1 Corinthians 4:12 is this. "When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world-right up to this moment." The whole chapter is about the Nature of True Apostleship (it's hard stuff.) Put simply, this verse says that people are going to talk down to you and talk bad about you. Whether or not you deserve it doesn't matter. Humble yourselves and love them anyway. Talk about a sucker punch to the stomach. I do not want to do that. And it's an every day thing that I have to tell myself to breathe and to love the unlovely. I mean I'm a sinner. I'm the most unlovely of them all and He still loves me. So I kinda have to love whether I want to or not. We love because he first loved us.  It's okay to be upset, and it's okay to be hurt when someone intentionally hurts you and your feelings. But it's not okay to respond in the same way. Be humble and endure it. This isn't to say let people walk all over you and treat you badly. Don't confuse humility with being a human punching bag. But instead of having a verbal response, set an example in life in love in faith and in purity. Make them wonder why you're so different.