Jump.

If you can think of a crappy situation, I can promise you I've been through it or at least watched one of my friends go through it. And here I am, at almost 21 years old learning once again that life goes on. It took me a while to realize that and to fully comprehend it. The past year has been a roller coaster for me. I've had a lot of ups and a whole lot of downs. I've felt inadequacy, self doubt, security within my friends and family, love and a lot of heart break. But you know what else I learned? Sometimes it's the hard things that make for beautiful things. It's the roughness and the unpredictable patches in life that make for skilled sailors. We usually don't want the bad parts that we have to face and we certainly don't ask for them, but on the other side, looking back I can confidently say that I would not trade what I've learned. That's a wise quote that my mom instilled in me. "I wouldn't ask for it, but I wouldn't trade what I learned from it." And now it's my turn to share and hopefully enlighten some of the people who actually read this and let you know that in the end, it's going to be okay. And life does go on.

I recently thought that my life was over. I went through a series of months and months of long nights and unbearable days trying to get through what I thought was the worst pain I would ever experience. I lost sight of myself. I let people's thoughts and opinions of me weigh heavily on my self esteem without real reason. I broke my own rules. And consequently I found myself using parts of me to try to build others up, only for them to inevitably tear it right back down. It was truly, in every sense, a roller coaster and a nightmare come true. As it turns out, the longer you use a person, or a place or anything in your life that is perishable as a crutch, it only hurts you in the end. When the crutch is ripped out from underneath you (or just leaves), then you're left with pieces of yourself that you have to pick up alone. But if you're lucky like I was, you get amazing friends and family to help pick you back up.  I say all of this to say that if you're walking through that place of uncertainty and turmoil in your life, I promise you that this is not the end. 
I had to make some hard choices. I had to, in a sense, rip bandaids off of me and out of my life that were excruciating. But my dad and his years of wisdom told me this, "You can get this over with and hurt for a little while now, or you can hurt for the rest of your life." Basically, let go or be dragged. After holding on for so long I was almost dragged to death, I decided to let go. I don't know what it is that's holding you back or hurting you in your life. Maybe it's a friendship that you know isn't good for you but you feel a sense of obligation to stay. Maybe it's a toxic relationship that love blinds you enough to stay in. Maybe it's the unfortunate case of being a familiy member, and you feel like since they're blood, you have to stay. Maybe it's just a place in your life that you feel comfortable. That you find security in but not true security, just complacency, and you stay. Don't stay.

It's going to hurt. At times you're going to feel like no one hears you or understands or that there will never be another job or friend or boyfriend that feels this normal and comfortable. There will be, and it will be better. The only twist in this story is that it's not yours to write. I'm the world's worst at trying to write my own story. At kicking and screaming and stomping my foot and telling everyone what I am and am not going to do. So far, I've been wrong every single time. But there is this one man. He's actually the greatest thing to ever walk the face of the Earth and His love for you is unfathomable. You can't buy his love or earn it. You just accept it and you love Him right back. Who doesn't want that kind of love? I pushed Him away. I told Him,  "I've got this, back off." Plot twist: I most certainly do not have it. I screw up every single day and I always will.  But lucky for me and you, this is not a conditional love. It's not a list of do's and don't's that I actually grew up thinking that it was. It's love and it's grace. And an abundance of it.

I started having uncontrollable feelings of anxiety throughout the past few months. In the midst of it, He got my attention and pointed me toward a group of family and friends that would walk me through this part of my life every step of the way and point me to Him. Literally said, "Okay Katie I can't physically be here for you while you deal with this, but here are some people who can. You're welcome." And I can't actually say thank you enough. But I didn't ask for that. I was actually wanting to handle this all by myself which is typical for me. He knows me though. He knew I would try to do it by myself and that I wouldn't actually ask for help, so he just gave it to me.
My point here is that He actually showed me that if there's one person that I can trust, it's Him. And whatever your situation is, He's bigger and He's better and He's more powerful. There's nothing you'll do that will make Him not love you or love you any less.  There is no pit that God's love is not deeper still. He can and will pull you out of anything and everything no matter how much you swear you don't need any help.

If you feel like you can't get out, you can. If you feel like you'll be alone,  you won't. And if you want to be pulled out, then let Him help you. His plan for us is so much bigger than any plan we have for ourselves. I don't sit here and tell you all of this as a perfect Christian who never messes up and I think you desperately need Jesus. I'm sitting here telling you this as a messed up and broken sinner. I'm telling you that I've had people stop caring about me after I messed up, and He never has. I've had people tell others I was fake and two faced because I write these blogs and pretend to be perfect. So here's me making it abundantly clear that I am not, in any sense perfect nor will I ever claim to be. But I have the priviledge of serving a God that is. And I won't stop telling people what He's done for me. Do yourself a favor, let Him do the same for you. If you're scared to jump into something great or out of something terrible for a loss of security, just jump. It will be worth it.